Sarah's story

I will never forget the phone call from my GP “Do you still want to adopt a baby?”  Oh yes!  There was nothing that I wanted more than this!  Several years earlier I had gone to him and asked that if ever he had a patient who wanted to adopt her baby out could he remember me and my husband?  And now the unbelievable had happened – he had a patient who was considering giving up her baby for adoption, and would like to meet us!

We had been on the Social Welfare waiting list for some years, but realised that the chances of our adopting a baby were slim.  And now the unbelievable was happening.  That first meeting with Katie’s birthmother was one of the most nerve-wracking meetings of my life!  While on the Social Welfare waiting list, we had done a lot of reading about open adoption, and talked to some friends who had an open adoption and had already decided that open adoption was the way to go.  Katie’s birthmother, Nikki, had never heard of open adoption, so she was quite surprised that we wanted to keep in contact, but very willing.

 Over the years, the relationship has changed. (Katie is nearly 16 years old now). There have been periods of time when we saw lots of each other, and periods of time (one lasted for 18 months) when we didn’t see each other at all.  It has depended on what was happening in our lives, and also what was happening in Nikki’s life.  Just as we were raising a family and juggling a business, she too was getting married, having children and working. 

The first few times that Nikki came to visit, I would race around the house like a mad-woman before she got there, tidying up everything.  But after a few visits I realised that she wasn’t looking for dust balls, she’d come to see Katie! So, I relaxed a lot more, and so did Nikki.

One of the highlights, to me, of our relationship with Nikki was when she stayed with us for a week when Katie was 4 years old.  We were very busy with our business that week, so she stayed to help with the child minding.  She brought her other children to stay some nights, so that all the brothers & sisters got to know each other much better than previously, and Nikki and Katie had time together as well.

Over the years, we have got to know Nikki’s parents, sister and her other children.  It has been amazing the number of times our paths have crossed.  Katie went to intermediate school with one of her birth-cousins, Nikki’s parents had friends in common with us, and we would catch up with them at parties.  And of course, we often bumped into each other at the doctor’s!

When Katie was 2 years old, we decided to put our names down again for adoption, so that we could enlarge our family.  As well as putting our name on Social Welfare’s list, we also applied to Bethany (Auckland). Bethany is run by the Salvation Army, for pregnant women.   It provides them with accommodation, teaches baby care skills, budgeting and gives them support over the course of their pregnancy, and afterwards.

It was at a meeting at Bethany that we met Lucy, who chose us to be the parents of her son, Sean.  As with Nikki, our relationship with Lucy has changed over time.  In the first few months, we saw a lot of her, less as time went on.  Some years, we see heaps of each other, but in the last 2 years, we have only seen her about once every 6 months. Lucy is married, has 4 other children, and works full-time so is kept very busy.  However, she is coming out to see us next week and we all look forward to that!  As with Nikki, our relationship extends to contact with Lucy’s mother, brothers & sister.  It is amazing how Sean resembles his birth uncles so much.  When we are invited to family 21sts & weddings someone always comes and fetches Sean, and sits him with his half-brothers & sisters.  He fits in beautifully, as if he’d never been away.  It is quite funny watching other guests who do not know us trying to figure out how Sean fits into the picture.

Both these wonderful women, Nikki and Lucy, have given me a gift that I can never thank them enough for – the gift of two beautiful children.  I cannot describe how humble I feel when I think about their generosity in giving their babies to me. There is a bond between us that nothing can take away.  They are part of my family, forever.

And that’s not all!  Sean is very lucky to also have his birth father involved in his life.  Now that Sean is 13 years old, doesn’t wear nappies, or need his hand held while he crosses the road, his birth father has begun to see a lot of him.  They go out together, about once every 3-4 weeks.  They both love fishing, off-road car racing and movies.  I notice that Sean has a lot of the same mannerisms as his birth father and when I am talking to his birth father, I often have the feeling that this is what Sean will be like in 20 years time.

We have never regretted having open adoptions –our children have always known they were adopted, why they were adopted and who their birth family is.  A child can never have too many people to love them!